The Ballad of Abbot 'Waxy' McGloin (Deceased)

Things are never quite what they seem from the imaginative pen of our furious farceur as he segues with us from one knockabout situation to another. This time we’re off to disturb the rural idyll of Cornwall’s beautiful Roseland Peninsular for one unforgettable weekend. The combustible mix of a Dominican abbot with dirty habits, a roistering retired British Army major, a local Quango and a bunch of trainee wimpish Survivalists see to it that things will never quite be the same again.

Abbot ‘Waxy’ McGloin with his ungodly seminarian activities is certainly someone best avoided as he hypocritically probes the goings on, in the parish of St Hyacinths. The incumbent Father Lubbock enjoys what can only be termed as a concubinage arrangement with his Church House housekeeper Mrs. Diana Creyke. She’s a ‘widow’ who lives-in with her lovely twin daughters. She also does locally to make ends meet, while her teenage girls run a telephone sex-chat line paid for by an unsuspecting Vatican.

Bestride what appear to be very complicated domestic arrangements in the vicarage, is an ex Queen’s Hussar office, Major Caradoc Proffitt. He’s a strange cove with disgusting misogynistic predilections, and in his spare time an idée fixe to rescue from the scrapheap a vintage flamethrower tank and beat it into shape with his lump hammer, known as his ‘persuader’. The galloping major and his country-boy aide-de-camp young Slingsby Shafto, soon find themselves the subject of an invasion executed by a Special Forces team of Marine Commandos. They are acting on behalf of the Western Approaches Survival Tasks Executive (WASTE), a befuddled Quango.

These military men of daring-do are dispatched on a woolly-headed humanitarian rescue of a group of survivalist volunteers who are camping out on the major’s property. They’ve reportedly been on the receiving end of a very intrusive body-part inspection, courtesy of a specially trained medical team comprising of ex-French Legionnaires? Our bumptious peacock of a major for his own Cornish nationalistic and personal tax reasons is intent on not allowing anyone to trespass on his property, for whatever purpose.

Just when you thought no more mayhem or confusion was possible, we have arrived, a new recruit to support the Marines in the person of Abbot ‘Waxy’ McGloin. Driven by a hypocritical concern for his fellow man, the sacrilegious old roué courageously agrees to break the impasse between the two sides and guide a Special Forces team through the crypt of St Hyacinth's chapel, under the cover of darkness.